Tag: self care

Oh no… Valentine’s Day

Oh no… Valentine’s Day

Do you remember that scene in the movie Valentine’s Day where Jennifer Garner beats the shit out of a heart piñata at Jessica Biel’s Anti-Valentine’s party? I loved that scene and it’s definitely the one that sticks out to me the most. In college one year my friend Liv and I decorated my dorm room for the holiday and invited two of our girlfriends to come over to watch a movie and eat junk food. We even got all dressed up just for the hell of it. That short scene was what inspired me to do it, but I didn’t have the hatred for the holiday that Jessica’s character does. I knew that the day made my friends feel down though, especially being on campus surrounded by a ton of couples. It did not help that we attended a Christian university that was a notorious mating ground for girls in purity rings and boys with old fashioned views on women to get married way before they are ready. It seemed like everywhere you turned someone was planning a wedding or going apple picking with their “person”. Even as someone who was planning on remaining single, I lost my patience with it all, so I knew my friends were even more frustrated. It was always my goal to cheer them up on the 14th, and maybe I did somewhat, but it didn’t change the fact that dating was a prime topic of conversation on the dorms. Everyone wanted a partner and knew that college was the most convenient place to meet someone. I’ve secretly always thought it was for the best though, because I was worried about who my friends would end up with on a conservative campus that churned out misogynistic, racist men like butter. However, I digress.

hell yeah, get his ass

What I didn’t realize when it came to all of this was that I was carrying more bitterness than any of my friends. I held an air of indifference toward dating because I felt it was easier to pretend I didn’t care instead of admitting the truth to myself. I carried a different sort of jealousy inside. What I truly envied wasn’t just the relationships that people had, but the hope that the single students around me held of one day finding love themselves. Years before I had survived a trauma that led me to shut the door to my life and my heart to almost everyone. That pain combined with a dysfunctional childhood and some friendships gone sour led me to call it quits on relationships by the time I started my freshman year of college. I had two friends from childhood that I still hold dear, but rarely saw back then, and I was happy to leave it at that. When I moved into my first dorm room in 2015 I was nice to my roommate, Paige, but avoided opening up to anyone if I could help it. The few exceptions were my RA’s, who helped me through a massive panic attack that had put me on the floor of the bathroom one night (throwing up and hyperventilating…fun). Even with them I was only willing to share so much, and I continued to shut people out for months. Even when I made a few friends on the hall, I never shared the whole truth of what I had been through, and wouldn’t for several years. You can imagine that since I wasn’t even open to making friends that I definitely was not about to consider dating. I had already decided that I was too broken to be loved. It was as simple as that. I had been through too much, messed up too many times, and I didn’t trust anyone, particularly not men. *shivers*

I was very lucky to meet three of my best friends in college, and several other close buddies I still keep in contact with. My first roommate Paige and I became really close despite being complete opposites and she is one of my dearest friends to this day. I also hit the jackpot with great RA’s and spiritual leaders on my hall, which I thank God every day for, because I’ve heard all kinds of horror stories about shitty leaders on campus. (If you’re a Christian and bothered by my cussing, I understand. I do. I’m not going to stop though, so please understand this is my blog where I post my thoughts and feelings, and it’s my right to do so. Please spare me the lecture, because from the bottom of my heart: I do not care). The mentors and friends I found and the distance I got from my hometown helped me grow in ways I never imagined, but I still had a long way to go. It wasn’t even until last year that I considered any sort of future for myself that included a romantic relationship. I was so terrified by the prospect of being vulnerable and getting my heart broken-or hurting someone else-that I wouldn’t even consider it. At 25, I was still telling myself I was perfectly content to be single for the rest of my life and focus my attention on making the world a better place, nurturing my friendships, traveling the world, and being the coolest aunt in existence. (I don’t have any nieces or nephews yet, but when I do I am going to love babysitting them and come up with the coolest bedtime stories to tell them). However, why was I so set on that? Was I really being truthful with myself about what I wanted? Being single, living child free, traveling-all these things are amazing and perfectly valid life goals! I love hearing that women are choosing what’s best for them and it bothers me that people have a hard time accepting that that may not include marriage or kids (the church *cough cough*). However, I wasn’t one of those people who actually wanted those things. Deep down I knew I had romantic and maternal love in me that I wanted to give to a partner and children. Due to my childhood and traumatic experience I had convinced myself that I could not be a good partner or mother.

So, this is why every year on Valentine’s day I focused on buying candy and distracting my single friends from feeling lonely. I knew that if I spent the night alone that I would start to admit to myself that I was selling myself short and denying myself the love I deserved. Because I do deserve love. Could I live a happy, fulfilling life single? Absolutely. I just don’t have to because of something that happened to me years ago. The great irony of all of this is that one of those best friends I mentioned who I met in college? He is also the man who fucked up all of my plans by making me fall in love with him. I was in denial for literally years about my feelings for him, and when we found out we had feelings for each other in 2021 I ended up living a whole ass romcom. This week we’ll have been together for 5 months, and this Spring will mark 4 years of being best friends. My, how the turn tables. Sadly due to some visa stuff he had to move back home to The Bahamas in 2019, so we’re doing long distance at the moment. He has come to visit me twice since we got together and I was able to travel to him in December, which was my first time leaving the country! As soon as he can be sure he has access to the covid tests he needs for both coming and going from the states he will come visit me again. I suppose it’s a good thing I’m already used to celebrating Valentine’s day alone 😂 Looks like I’ll be spending the night doing Korean face masks, eating pizza, and watching anime!

There’s so much more I could say about all of this, but for now I’ll leave it at this. If you’ve been abused, live with mental illness, or have poor self-image like me (or just don’t like Valentine’s day) I hope that you can take this holiday and turn it into an opportunity to treat yourself to a nice night. Your feelings are 100% valid, and you deserve to be loved and treated like the King, Queen, or Monarch that you are, even if that means spoiling yourself. Because honestly, who knows you and your desires better? Celebrate the fact that you have survived so much, and give yourself some grace. And if you need to beat up a heart shaped piñata because you know it’ll make you feel better-then go for it! Just don’t forget to send me a picture.

Do you relate to my experience at all? How do you feel about Valentine’s day? What’s your favorite way to practice self-care? Let me know in the comments or reach out to me on Twitter or Tumblr! You can also find me on Goodreads.

Friday Favorites: Min Yoongi’s Instagram update, Sk8 the Infinity, +other things that made me happy this week

Friday Favorites: Min Yoongi’s Instagram update, Sk8 the Infinity, +other things that made me happy this week

Hello again friends!

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I decided that since my last post was more emotional and serious that I would make today’s a bit more fun! It’s a pretty unoriginal title but it fits for the things that have been making me smile lately. Since I’ve been down I’ve been trying to take joy in the little things when I can. I also just really love making lists so why not make a list of things that I find special? Perhaps they will make you smile too!

1. Min Yoongi’s Instagram post

If you know me or follow me on Twitter or Tumblr you know I am a HUGE fan of BTS. As in certified Army and the assigned resident fangirl in my social circle. The members and their music has brought so much freaking joy in my life and their special on Weverse, In the Soop, actually helped me to pull out of a depressive episode in 2020. My bias is undoubtedly Yoongi and has been since I discovered them. I just couldn’t resist his duality with the way he jumps from destroying us with his insane rapping ability to grumpy old man (whose actually the world’s biggest sweetheart). Since the boys are taking a break right now (supposedly… they keep posting pictures of them in the studio though…) they each have opened their own Instagram accounts and it has been an entertaining mess as they’ve gotten used to the platform. Yoongi has obviously gotten the hang of it though because LOOK AT HIM NOW. I can’t even explain what it is about these pictures that I love so much. They’re just so wholesome. Maybe it’s what my friend Kathryn describes as “the Father 2000s” that he’s rocking on his feet in the second picture. What a goddamn delight. Also, if you know nothing about BTS somehow and want to listen to one of Yoongi’s songs you can watch his music video for Daechwita below, which he released under his rap name Agust D.

2. This essential oil diffuser I got on Amazon

Sometimes I find joy from shopping online when I really shouldn’t. I should be saving money. I don’t feel sorry for this one though. When I say the arrival of this package in the mail made my entire day I am not exaggerating. I had been planning on getting a humidifier instead (it says humidifier in the title but it doesn’t really create enough steam to classify as one) I was so enticed by the thought of diffusing essential oils that I caved and bought this instead. I use only half the drops it calls for because I don’t want the scent to be too strong in my room, but it still smells amazing. I really adore the nightlight function of it and I find a stupid amount of joy in matching the color of this thing to the remote control fairy lights on my wall. Sometimes it’s seriously the little things. The essential oils I bought for it are from here.

3. IT Cosmetics CC+ Cream with SPF 50+

Shout out to my friend Paige for recommending this to me! Last time I saw her I couldn’t believe how radiant her skin looked. She has beautiful, clear skin normally but her makeup almost made her look like she was wearing a filter! When she told me she swore by this product I was surprised since CC creams are generally light coverage. However, I ran out and bought it and holy hell is this worth the money. A little bit goes a long way and the coverage is amazing. In the time it would take me to use this entire bottle I would likely spend more re-purchasing my Maybelline foundation than I did for this one. The best part though is how lightweight it is. I don’t even notice I’m wearing it once it sets but it covers my acne so much I only need a little concealer. My only other note about it is that if you have dry skin you may need to double moisturize in the winter before wearing this. I don’t know if it’s because this season has been more intense weather-wise but I have been using a heavier night cream and pairing my daytime moisturizer with a hydrating primer so that dry spots don’t show up when I apply my makeup. I can’t tell if this is an issue unique to using it in the cold weather months since I’ve only been using it for about a month, so I will update you guys when the season changes. I bought mine at Ulta but you can also buy it on the IT Cosmetics website.

4. SK8 the Infinity

Unfortunately, most of my friends don’t live in my state anymore and my boyfriend lives in The Bahamas, so I can’t get together with people to watch stuff very often. Recently three of my friends and I have been watching anime together over Discord and it’s been so so fun. First, we watched Life Lessons with Uramichi Oniisan (so great if you love dark humor) and then this week we watched SK8 the Infinity. My friend Liv had been sending artwork of two characters Joe and Cherry for a while, so I was excited to watch it. I was not disappointed. This show cheered me up, made me laugh, and Reki was super relatable. It’s a great anime to watch if you aren’t super familiar with the genre. Sports anime in general is awesome and if you liked Haikyuu!! or Yuri on Ice (which is what we’re watching now) then you may enjoy this one. Langa is on my favorite character list now (unsurprising) and don’t even get me started on JOE. What a man. I don’t have too much else to say at the moment except go watch it. Oh, and I made you a cute valentine of Reki and Langa to send to your weeb friends. (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧

5. Dreamcatcher’s song “Scream”

As far as girl groups go Dreamcatcher is undoubtedly my favorite. They have such a unique sound and aesthetic that just suits me so well. Several of their songs are serious bangers and they have strong vocals and choreography, which is not always a guarantee. This music video is gorgeous and I’m such a sucker for a fantasy theme. Badass women dressed to slay? Say no more. Every time I watch this Dalmi stands out to me and I am 100% certain that she is very popular with queer K-pop stans, because damn. She is SO cool. Maybe I’m projecting though. 🤷‍♀️ If you like this song I highly recommend listening to their other songs, especially “Odd Eye” and “Boca”. I can’t wait to listen to their whole discography and learn more about the members. If history is to repeat itself, I will end up knowing all their names by next week.

Anyway, that’s all I have for today! In the future I will also make designated posts for my favorite makeup, music, shopping finds, TV/movies, and celebrities, but I hope that you enjoyed this Favorites Friday. If you’ve been enjoying my recent book reviews and personal updates subscribe and also please comment or send me messages! Are you a fan of anything on this list? Let me know below! Also, you can find me on Goodreads and Twitter, so get in touch with me there!